Fear

Let us talk about fear, my fear.
I am terrified all the time, the fear is always there, always present.
I might smile and I might say that I feel safe, but remember, the fear is there. It is a part of me, just like my organs.
And just like I said it will always be present even if you can’t see it and I won’t tell you about it.
I am frightened of everything I do.

And guess what, it is exhausting and even in my dreams it is still there. So I am living in fright awake and asleep, my dreams are so vivid that I don’t always know if I was dreaming when I wake up, it confuses me.

I wish I could cut it out, do an operation and it would be gone. That would be amazing.
Maybe for just a day or two? Maybe someday

The fear is mostly of myself I fear that my body and mind will betray me again, as it has for a long while now. And every time that happens it feel like I am dying, like I am fading away, like I will never come back.
Maybe now the fear is a bit more understanding, and if not, well I never forced you to understand anything, I know I don’t.

The fear is part of me and it will take a long time to make it vanish.