Posted on

Taking charge of my life

I have decided to take charge of my life and I will try my best to not succumb to the fear or the illness. I will still have my limits but I am trying to push them every day. I am sick and tired of feeling this way and it needs to stop, and maybe this time my willpower will be strong enough to fight this for real.

I will never grow if I am going to stay where I am, and I have big dreams that I would like to do my best to fulfil.

Hey, reach for the stars, right? I want to soar amongst them, for me.

I don’t want to let petty thing stop me from doing anything anymore, it still will though, but it will happen less frequent. I will force myself into unpleasant situations and hope that by doing so it will get easier and easier for each time.

About my dreams, I will tell you all about them another time.

Posted on

Fear

Let us talk about fear, my fear.
I am terrified all the time, the fear is always there, always present.
I might smile and I might say that I feel safe, but remember, the fear is there. It is a part of me, just like my organs.
And just like I said it will always be present even if you can’t see it and I won’t tell you about it.
I am frightened of everything I do.

And guess what, it is exhausting and even in my dreams it is still there. So I am living in fright awake and asleep, my dreams are so vivid that I don’t always know if I was dreaming when I wake up, it confuses me.

I wish I could cut it out, do an operation and it would be gone. That would be amazing.
Maybe for just a day or two? Maybe someday

The fear is mostly of myself I fear that my body and mind will betray me again, as it has for a long while now. And every time that happens it feel like I am dying, like I am fading away, like I will never come back.
Maybe now the fear is a bit more understanding, and if not, well I never forced you to understand anything, I know I don’t.

The fear is part of me and it will take a long time to make it vanish.